The Art of Anger Management
By Joe King

"Beware the fury of a patient man." 
-- John Dryden

"Do you know why I stopped you today sir?" There are perhaps no more familiarly dread words heard on the roadsides of America today. Especially when uttered by a faceless, jack-booted highway robber baron.
"Was I speeding?" I eye the vintage speedo needle with suspicion -- it was hovering between the 5-0 and the 6-0 right before I saw the flashing lights of doom.
"I stopped you because you're not wearing your safety belt."
"Yes I am." came out a bit harsher than I planned. I blame it on the roar of the traffic screaming by at 90 MPH just inches from my 12-inch thick doorsill.
"I don't see your shoulder harness." was the more curious response from the armored helmet.
"That's because shoulder straps weren't invented in 1962." With the careful finesse learned from countless police dramas, I place one hand on the tilt-a-way wheel and with the other, remembering to only use two fingers, slowly pull back my Aloha shirt to reveal the logo emblazoned aviation-style buckle of my safteybelt. 
"Uh, 1962?" For cryin' out loud. I've got Cool Pops in my freezer at home older than this officer. "Yeah, it's a '62. The lap belts in the front were standard but I had another set installed in the back for the kids for safety sake -- they weren't required by law."
"Mm-hm."
"You stopped me in the middle of this heavy traffic, when I was driving the posted speed limit in the slow lane because you didn't see a shoulder strap for my seat belt?" Utility belts and body armor be damned -- now I'm getting cranky.
"It's the law sir."
"Yeah. right. Sure. Uh-huh."
"Tell you what. I'm not going to give you a ticket today."
"You're not WHAT!?"
"Have a nice day sir. You drive safe now."
The next time I see one of those televised video segments of a patrol man run over by his own cruiser and captured by the onboard camera -- I will think of this man. The next time I hear of a class action lawsuit by traffic cops with cancer brought on by years of laying in wait with a radar gun resting in their laps -- I will think of this man. But right then all I could think of was, "Gee. Thanks a lot."

Copyright 2002. Joe King. All Rights Reserved.